Old school: “Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude comments of strangers.” Book of Etiquette, Lillian Eichler, 1922
The new rule: Private messages or emails are the appropriate places for flirting or professing love and/or lust from a distance. Even the telephone, in this age of digital communications, remains a valuable tool for such purposes. Arranging sexual trysts or expressing post-coital bliss by Facebook wall post is undignified and provincial.
Old school: “It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise.” Dr. Crane, quoted in Book of Etiquette
The new rule: Even the coarsest language may be a complement to sexual relations if it is welcomed by one’s partner — and silence during the act may be interpreted as a severe insult. But the proximity of roommates ought always to be kept in mind when gauging the appropriate volume for expressions of ecstasy. Rare is the uninvolved party who will look upon shouts of “Say my name, bitch!” reverberating throughout the hallway as endearing.
Old school: “A woman never accepts an invitation to a house for a call or visit from a man alone.” The Book of Good Manners, Mrs. Burton Kingsland, 1901
The new rule: If one is in receipt of an invitation to visit the home of a former sexual partner after 10pm, one should proceed on the assumption that one has been “booty called.” If one is agreeable to meaningless sexual congress without further obligation, so much the better. One preferring a sustained courtship should decline the invitation and look elsewhere.
Old school: “Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.” The Art of Courtly Love, Andreas Capellanus, circa 1180
The new rule: Either party to a relationship may rightly feel that the addition of a third partner could “double their fun.” But one must proceed tactfully and forthrightly — begging and sulking seldom create an expansive romantic mood. And one must remember that each additional party to a sexual relationship will increase the demand for physical selflessness arithmetically and the need for emotional etiquette exponentially.
Old school: “A broken engagement is always embarrassing for both the young man and the young lady. Friends, if they are truly well-bred, will not ask questions, and relatives will not demand explanations.” Book of Etiquette, Lillian Eichler, 1922
The new rule: Changing one’s relationship status on Facebook to “single” is a necessarily public indignity. No further explanation should be offered for the demise of a relationship, and messages from friends reading “I knew that bastard was
cheating on you,” “Hail, hail the witch is dead,” and the like should be deleted promptly and otherwise ignored.
Old school: “A manly man will never keep a compromising letter, especially from a woman. Time and circumstances often change a silly girl into a noble woman, to whom such a ‘hand-writing against her’ would be an injustice.” The Book of Good Manners, Mrs. Burton Kingsland, 1901
The new rule: It is incredibly bad form to blog about the details of one’s sexual exploits, or to post reports, ratings or photographs to public forums. Those possessing video or photographic evidence of sexual relations should destroy or delete such evidence immediately upon the dissolution of the relationship (preferably in the presence of the former partner). Mass marketing such intimate videos when one partner becomes famous is the height of poor etiquette.