My girlfriend and I have had sex half a dozen times in the two years we’ve been together. She doesn’t experience any sexual pleasure at all and never has. She’d like to enjoy sex, she just doesn’t. She’s never had an orgasm in her life. At first I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to introduce her to the wonderful world of the orgasm. Easier said than done.
Penetration brings her no pleasure. No problem, I’ll go down on her. Nada. I asked her what she likes done to her and she told me she doesn’t know so I figured it was time for a vibrator, which she’s used with some ambivalence and I’ve since used it more than she has. I enjoy receiving head but the one-sidedness gets awkward. If there’s no pleasure on her part then there’s none on mine.
My one guess at what might be wrong is her birth control. She’s on Cyclen and has been on it for 10 years. She won’t go off it because she says her skin breaks out horribly and I’m not going to force her through that. She’s asked her gyno about alternatives and her gyno told her that she couldn’t help her. We don’t have a family doctor, so our alternative right now is a walk-in clinic and her social anxieties make that a pretty difficult step for her. I’d imagine she’d warm up to the idea if we had more than a hunch that this might actually help. Is there a non-threatening, welcoming place where she could go and talk to someone about this?
A LITTLE SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If there is even a chance your girlfriend is experiencing a diminished sex drive from her birth control/acne medication (this is a possibility, and I refer to it this way because many doctors prescribe the pill for acne) then practical wisdom might suggest using alternate protection and seeing if it presents itself. Dilemma? Like so many people, she’d rather look sexually pleasing than actually feel sexually pleased. It’s a common Catch-22; people will take huge risks to make themselves sexually viable at the expense of their actual sexual health.
When it comes to our sexuality, we are loath to be brave. We want comfortable solutions that allow us to quietly pursue our desires without extending ourselves too much. And herein lies another Catch-22: the medical and pharmaceutical industries offer many outwardly snug solutions for the timid but are frequently unavailable or ill-equipped to deal with issues that arise when the body reveals its own tirelessly recondite logic and its unpredictable disregard for being manipulated.
The bottom line is, your girlfriend is not going to know why her libido is low unless she makes a determined effort (even then, answers may be elusive). This means talking bluntly to doctors and asking for references for others who will help her if they won’t. It includes visiting naturopaths to explore alternative solutions to her acne if she genuinely feels she can’t live with it. It means understanding that even at the best health clinics you might get great help one day while the next day they’re slammed and you’re rushed through. It also means knowing that pleasure is relevant and not feeling ashamed to want it. The Bay Centre for Birth Control (www.womenshealthmatters.ca/centres/sex/program) offers counselling in person and on the phone. Planned Parenthood is another option (www.ppt.on.ca). Psychiatrist Lenore Tiefer is also a favourite speaker of mine on the subject of women and the medicalization of sex. Her website is www.fsd-alert.org.
WHT TH FCK?
luv ur name by the way. i think 2yrs, ago a girl wrote 2u how her boyfriend din’t like her big clik well im all about clik de bigger the better, so i was wondering if u can give this girl my e-mail. plz i haven found a big clik girl 2 eater for over 1 year. thanx love ur side. BROWNDOG
I want you to get yourself two books, Browndog. One is The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, where you will learn the correct terminology for women’s sex organs. The other is The Elements of Style (you can find this little gem online at www.bartleby.com/141/), where you will learn how to be a more conscientious letter writer. You will have a much easier time becoming intimate with clitorises of all shapes and sizes if you know how to skilfully woo their owners.
LOVE BITS
Every week I receive a letter from someone who believes that the contents of my column are expressions of my own desires and this week was no exception. So piqued was I by the latest missive — where the writer described himself as submissive and offered to help me explore my alleged desire to become a dominatrix — that I initiated a tart email exchange demanding he send me the article where I showed interest in pursuing this as a career or lifestyle. Naturally he couldn’t find the article because it didn’t exist.
I find this tendency so curious. People (actually, let’s not use vague niceties, it’s always men) seem to understand that this column is letter generated; they write and sign them with pseudonyms themselves, yet somehow, somewhere that obvious fact gets lost. To M: you may very well be submissive but moreover, you’re horny. As such, you let your dick read my column instead of your brain (though it’s safe to assume that organ wouldn’t have been much more helpful) and your dick told you things that weren’t true. I understand, believe me, I’ve had dicks lie to me too, but let’s go over the rules one more time: I am a sex columnist. If you want to engage a sex worker, please peruse the pages preceding this column in EYE WEEKLY. And one last piece of advice: do not approach a real dominatrix with the same lack of focus. Prices tend to rise with folly.
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