Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Moving forward, it’s time to fully realize the stall and choke your personal life has become and work towards investing in something with real potential — like that totally cute bartender from clubland that you’re pretty sure was flirting with you by not crossing to the other side of the street that one time.
Famous Canadians BORN THIS WEEK:
Kim Mitchell (musician, July 10, pictured)
Alice Munro (author, July 10)
Joe Shuster (comic book artist and co-creator of Superman, July 10)
Pierre Berton (author, July 12)
Northrop Frye (educator, July 14)
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Though it’s your instinct to help everyone rebuild but yourself (remember your unhealthy obsession with floods and ice storms?), this week all eyes turn to you when a minor social freakout leads to a full-scale emotional and financial collapse and all kinds of hilarious new party nicknames!
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Virgo is flooded with a renewed burst of energy and drive this week, which means by other people’s standards you will achieve nothing, all while celebrating the massive personal victory of having re-engineered your DVD filing method.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Libra’s usually unimpeachable take on life and family matters is under scrutiny this week when your siblings start to suspect you’re not emptying out your parents’ 22-year-old collection of computer magazines out of forethought and pragmatism, but rather because your senile mother has started hiding cash back there.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
I’m not going to be the one to tell you your new-found confidence is a house of cards so easily and soon to be blown over by one awkward glance from a pretty boy in the right kind of plaid shorts. So as long as we have that understanding that I’m not going to be the one, just proceed as usual, you know, kick ass! Take names! You’re so tough!
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Ah, you’re going to roll out the old “I’ve got strong principles” act, are ya? Well, have fun being right. That kind of satisfaction should get you through most of the weekend before you realize you’re drinking alone.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
People prefer to listen to only what they want to hear, and Capricorn is no exception this week as she wanders so blindly off the path of her own best interest she may as well have fingers stuck in her ears and a big ol’ cliff in front of her. Well, I guess ignorance is bliss!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Tangible things, like your bicycle or your collection of gold bullion, seem somehow easier to part with this week as the collective gathering of nine months’ ennui present themselves in an opportunity to run off and buy a trailer in somewhere anonymous, like Leamington. (And you’ll still have a few weeks to get settled before the Tomato Parade.)
Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Oh sweet liberation from houseguests, deadlines, a stable paycheque. These are the dreams of the summer Pisces, floating along his life like a piece of cardboard on an otherwise almost sort of vaguely clean Toronto beach. Enjoy your freedoms (such as they are), as more of the stifling, no-way-out encumbrances you’ve grown comfortable with will be back to strangle your larky existence any minute now.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries is a little freewheelingly reckless at the moment, which is such a pleasant shift from the self-deprication and panic attacks that people don’t really mind you singing Kanye songs at the top of your lungs and wrecking all the shit at their parties.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is ascending in the ranks! This would be great if his reaction weren’t to immediately go back indoors and smoke a huge amount of pot. Perhaps there’s a middle ground to be found to cope with this position of new responsibility and anxiety, like taking up chronic masturbation instead?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Dwelling on things happens to be your long suit, and boy does that suit lengthen this week when you can’t get over something emotionally devastating said to you in passing by one of your oldest and most trusted friends. Of course it was pretty loud at the time and maybe she actually said she thought you were a taste of space on the planet Earth.