Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
October is a drudgery-filled time for Libra, who would really rather be out celebrating autumn and her birthday with decorative sheafs of straw and spicy-­cheerful pumpkin scones. It’s not gonna be like that, however, and before you know it you’ll be waking up in the dark and coming home from your shitty job in the dark, too.

Famous Canadian Libras born this week:
Jane Siberry (musician, Oct. 12)
Dwayne Roloson (hockey player, Oct. 12)
Jonathan Crombie (actor, Oct. 12)
Willie O’Ree (first black player in the NHL, Oct. 15, pictured)

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Pace yourself this week, tricky Scorpio, and steel your sense of self in advance of a full moon that wants to upend you and make you question everything about your decision to be a polytheistic, legwarmer-worshipping vegan hipster.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sagittarius, usually quick to captivate others with vague intrigue and an adventurousness not often found in the average soul, has instead the stink of desperation on him this week. Try to keep it confined to misleading craigslist ads rather than showing your weaknesses in front of your actual friends.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
This week, clouds slowly clear for Capricorn, who hasn’t been able to make up her mind on which particular things to be completely bogged down by for the past several months. Though “all of the above” was a good choice, you’ll be more productive if you fixate unhealthily on just one thing totally beyond your control rather than feeling like a failure in all categories.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius may not be good at knowing when or how to say the right thing at the right time, or, frankly, whether or not that right thing is true for anyone but her. The next few days will find her counsel strangely well-received, however, as those around her crumble in some sort of pre-­winter desperation and are ready to listen to just about any kind of crazy talk.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
The stars urge caution for Pisces in the middle of this month, which is an easy enough track to follow, as our timid hero seldom strays into the bold anyhow.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t forget that just because all you think about is all you think about, that others actually have no idea what’s on your mind. Let the full moon of the 14th shine a little light, then, on what your real agenda is for fall: to finally have that three-way with your girlfriend’s capoeira instructor.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Though it seems like there’s no ill a tense weekend of family and candied yams wouldn’t cure, Thanksgiving really hasn’t worked to stabilize mercurial, unrelenting Taurus. Imagine yourself as somehow patient and disinterested and see if that and some deep breathing exercises keep you from asphyxiating a baby in a fit of rage.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini doesn’t claim to know it all: he just claims to know the better, funnier version of whatever it is someone else was trying to feel good about. You’ll spend the week standing out in social situations at the expense of others. Isn’t it nice to be surrounded by all that warm attention?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
What’s it like to be so powerful and so frightened at the same time, Cancer? Do you think anybody can tell? And if they could, how quickly would you erase them from your phone? The coming days provide ample opportunity for you to shine in your workplace, allowing you to bank more of that subterfuge of your true constitution for a few months yet to come!

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Leo has been bullied into pessimism for much of this year by people whose best interests lie nowhere. Ignore the backwards steps you’ve pedalled and reach toward the kind of people who propel you into excellence, like those lackeys and waterboys that pump up your ego and don’t question your spelling.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo has needed to call in a lot of outside fortifications in recent weeks to bolster what has become an increasingly volatile internal situation. But this is a good thing: collecting your cheerleaders during Mercury Retrograde will remind you that you are alive, and help you through, quite unlike all those Ativan tablets you were mixing with Jim Beam.