My lover and I have had a wonderful intimate relationship the past several years. We’ve communicated well and pushed the boundaries of our sexuality a fair bit — exhibitionism, name-calling, BDSM light, spitting, tagging — mostly within the confines of hotel rooms. She has come upon strained financial times recently, so I’ve let my male provider instinct take over. While she still uses her credit cards for our trysts, I am footing the entire bill in cash until we return to our prior Dutch treat arrangement.

Not so deep inside my twisted mind — I’m sure you saw this coming a mile away — I’ve begun to have fantasies of actually chipping in extra to help her. Yes, I’d make her my own private prostitute. She’s a fine lady from Anywhere, Suburbia and we’ve role-played master and servant enough so that’s natural for us, but adding a material dimension to our play is something completely different.
I can’t gauge what her reaction might be, nor do I feel comfortable directly suggesting it to her because she might feel insulted and that could have lasting repercussions. I’ve heard of sex-for-hire situations transitioning into full-blown romances or even marriages, but I worry that it might be a slippery slope emotionally to go the other direction. Any advice is appreciated. JOHN IN CALIFORNIA

So horking, heckling and possibly even cheating (since your trysts take place primarily in hotel rooms and you use cash, one might assume they are devious in nature) are fine but things become uncertain when finances are introduced? The most vexingly ironic part is that despite the fact that you are clearly an open-minded and expressive guy, you’re not alone in feeling this is an unthinkable taboo. Every so often I like to quote Murray Davis, author of the book Smut: “Sex is the only human activity in which the professional has lower status than the amateur.”

(And, hey, readers: in case you, like me, were wondering what John means by tagging, I emailed him and asked for an explanation. He wrote back that it was when you write possessive or humiliating words on your partner’s body. How riot grrrl, I thought, and immediately pictured myself staggering around onstage at the Chateau du Sexe in 1993 with a tiara tangled in my bleached-out hair and “Whore” scrawled on my leg.)

Back to you, John: I imagine it doesn’t help to know that, like your paramour, many professional sex workers are from Anywhere, Suburbia. In fact, one of Canada’s most famous dominatrices, Terri Jean Bedford, became known in the media for her “Bondage Bungalow.” You’re not looking for reassuring similarities; I’m going to guess you’re concerned because in spite of the great connection, the relationship is illicit and this might be the thing that really drives that fact home unpleasantly. If your lover is already sleeping with an unavailable man, money might seem like a stinging, passive-
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aggressive implication of her status. Even if you don’t realize it, effectively you are asking how to make a whore of a woman who by some standard already is one.

Ladies are clambering to be faux hos these days — take note of the pole-dancing studio on every street corner — but the reality here is a bit tricky. I think you’re right to proceed with some caution. As research, you might be interested in the book Paying For It, edited by Greta Christina.

Dirty dream weaver
I am a 31-year-old, heterosexual woman. I’ve had many sexual partners and many long-term monogamous relationships. For years, I have wondered whether the fantasies I use to stay aroused and reach orgasm are OK, or a sign that I have unhealthy sexual patterns in my brain.
For the most part I am able to become aroused with a partner sans mind-wandering, but in order to reach climax I must fantasize about them engaging in sexual activity with women I find to be extremely sexy or intimidating, either people I know or people I concoct. Often in these fantasies, I am watching the two of them from a hidden place. Sometimes I am involved and it’s a threesome situation. Similarly, when I masturbate, I am rarely involved in my own fantasies. I usually have to use erotic literature or pornographic films in order to reach orgasm. Is there something wrong with me? Why am I never “invited” to my own sexual experiences? Is it OK that I need all of this “outside stimulation” to get off?

I became very sexually aware at an early age. I began masturbating as a child and remember being very conscious of it being a sexual act. I would very often steal my mother’s romantic novels or sneak downstairs late at night to watch softcore pornography on TV.

I recently have tried testing myself, seeing if I could reach orgasm without my fantasies and I can’t seem to do so. I feel like I’m “cheating” somehow, like whoever I’m engaging in sexual activity with should be enough! Or I should at least be involved my own sexual fantasies more often.
WILDLY ACTIVE IMAGINATION LADY

Lady, I can’t tell you with any scientific acuity what’s going on but I can tell you it’s very common. What can I say? Some people can’t get over themselves when they’re fucking — they want mirrors and cameras and reflective surfaces everywhere — while others require a little more privacy. Not that it’s any great consolation, being an ally of the pervert sex columnist, but with a few small differences you could easily be describing my own childhood and ensuing sexual persona. Did you also make girls uncomfortable at sleepover parties by forcing them to stay up and watch softcore movies on TVA? Is a dream orgy for you sitting unnoticed in a corner with a vibrator and a six-pack of batteries watching people screw?

The amount of porn that exists isn’t really a reassuring barometer of its normalcy (on the contrary, the glut can be depressing) but the fact that it does exist, and with such wide-ranging tastes in mind, says we all have different ways of opening the floodgates. If you are interested in being more “present” during sex, open that mouth and share your fantasy. You may find your partner has some unexpected techniques for getting off, as well.