Just wanted to mention that your editorial of Love Bites is really juicy and spicy and can really get one’s sex live going and also liven it up. I was just wondering whether you could help me on finding a female sex partner, an e-mail address or a club where it costs little or nothing to get involved. Kindly reply to my message, you would make me feel elevated if you do. TONY

This is another letter I get a lot of, for those of you who ask about that sort of stuff: man with whimsical grammar and diction, occasionally accompanied by photograph of turgid penis, looking for me to score him free sex. If I had to put all my letters into two general categories (for those of you who ask about that sort of stuff) they would be “Free Sex Please” (FSP) and “Am I Normal?” (AIN).

On any other day I would just delete an FSP because, as I’ve said eight jillion times before, I don’t have time to start up a free fucking service, but then I got to thinking, “What if I could get Tony laid? What if it is really me and not Tony’s thriftiness and odd turn of phrase that’s standing between him and pussy galore?”

So girls, do you want to fuck Tony? I have no idea what he looks like — just that he wants free sex. Email me here and I’ll pass your email on to him.

Getting with the deprogram
I’m a 26-year-old single guy who was born and raised in a quirky little Christian cult that views dating as almost equivalent to being engaged. This means teenagers are not allowed to date unless they’re serious about getting married, plus you can only marry within the group. It also forbids premarital sex, so a lot of my friends got married really young and are now either divorced or stuck in miserable marriages. I took the religion seriously but didn’t want to get married, and illicit masturbation took care of the physical side of things, so I stayed single and had none of the formative experiences that high school and later CEGEP would normally provide. I woke up and got myself out of the cult about 10 months ago and I think it’s about damn time I got a girlfriend.
My problem now is that, since I’ve got absolutely zero experience with the opposite sex, I have no idea how to go about asking a girl out. I tried an online dating site but it seemed more like a waste of money and I’d rather see someone face to face than chat online. I’m not much of a bar-hopper or a clubber (more into arts and the outdoors) and I’d love to find out where to meet women and, following that, how to ask someone out. On a side note, there are a lot of cute flirty girls who are regular customers at the place where I work but I don’t know if that would be weird or something. EAGER TO LEARN

Here is a perfect example of an FSP but with more helpful details. A couple of things do confuse me though, Eager: if you took the religion so seriously, why so glib about the illicit masturbation? And 10 months after a quarter-century of Christian doctrine, suddenly you’re Mr. Flip, calling your religion by a more denigratory label, a cult? If I were a prospect, I’d be worried that maybe you’re in a bit of denial that might come back and bite us both in the ass. (By the way, your letter reminds me of an awesome story in the most recent Paris Review called “Keep It Bible” by Ryan McIlvain. You can read a portion of it here www.theparisreview.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5836 and purchase the entire issue if you’re interested, which I would encourage you to do because there is little that arty chicks dig more than a well-thumbed literary magazine sticking out of a dude’s knapsack.)
One of the things your friends avoided by getting hitched right out of the gate was the standard expense of courtship. No doubt litters of screeching babies are eating up those deserted funds but you, heathen, will have to face the fact that dating requires resources — whether you’re buying someone a drink or using one of your points to send them a note online. Speaking of which, while you were thumping a Bible (and your dick), the internet became a very interesting and practical place to hook up. Your story is intriguing; the small details you’ve shared here make good profile teasers and it’s a great place for you to practice flirting. Don’t give up so quickly because you’ve had to spend a little money with no results yet. I also believe it’s OK to date people you meet through work with the understanding that you may provoke an uncomfortable atmosphere.

Live hard, buy young?
I am a 44-year-old male considering hiring a male escort for some fun. Would a 23-year-old be considered too young for me? Is it silly of me to think it’s wrong because he’s young enough to be my son? Am I just being naïve here? JOHN

Thank you, John, for a nice example of an AIN subdivision, the AIP (“Am I Pathetic?”). Too young? Pish, pish. Why would you hire a willing professional if not to taste of the forbidden and often unavailable? I’d have a naked 20-year-old tied to my bed every Thursday if I had the money.
To elaborate on my earlier point, what you are really asking is, “Would this escort think I was pitiful and old and treat me with the subtle contempt that makes my boner elusive?” Who’s to say what’s going on in the kid’s mind? All you can really do — and thanks to the wonder of internet communication you can — is make sure he is qualified and enthusiastic. And just a tip: 23 usually means 28-30. Real 23-year-olds say they’re 19.

EMAIL SASHA AT SASHA@EYEWEEKLY.COM OR SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO SASHA C/O EYE WEEKLY, 625 CHURCH ST, 6TH FL, TORONTO, M4Y 2G1.