I’m off on vacation for a week, so I’ll leave you with a couple of favourites from past columns compiled by EYE WEEKLY staff:

My wife does almost everything, like swallowing my come and letting me come all over her face. But my ultimate fantasy she doesn’t allow — either MFM or else a bukkake on her with five or six guys. I talked her into a bukkake once, explaining that there is no penetration or sex in it, and she said yes while making love to me. But later on she backed out. Please tell me how can I convince her for a bukkake, maybe giving an example of any other housewife. Please, please help me in convincing her. SANDEEP

Sandeep, dude, come on. You don’t think I’m going to crack open my Happy Housewife Bukkake Rolodex for an unwilling accomplice do you? Now, if you’d just said to me, “My woman is gagging for a bukkake Sasha, please help us work this out” then for sure I’d pass on my confidential list of the thousands of wives worldwide keen to have half a dozen strangers come all over their face who offer tips for eager novices.

Kidding aside, I have no doubt there are scads of ladies out there who want nothing more than to be roped head to toe in semen, but these ladies have one of a few things in common: (a) they genuinely love this notion, (b) they are being paid to do it, or (c) they have one of those relationships where they enjoy or tolerate exchanging challenging sexual fantasies with their partner.

So ask yourself, partner: are you willing to go somewhere that defies your sexual limits for the benefit of your little woman? Say she wanted to fuck your ass with a bike seat. Or what if she wanted you to come inside her for once? I sure admire women who are whores for their hubbies but I also applaud the hubby who is a dirty little slut for his wife and I’m worried that you’re a fellow who sees his sexual needs as the only ones of any value. You seem to believe your wife is at your whim and if only you make a strong enough case, she’d have no other choice than to comply. (And seriously now, who believes anything anyone promises them when they’re making love? Obviously she just did this to shut you and your “CanIhaveabukkake? CanIhaveabukkake? CanIhaveabukkake?” the hell up.)

Bottom line, Sandeep, we’re not in Stepford. What you may also not realize is that your fantasy is a potential health risk both physically, since semen in the eye is not cool, and emotionally, since for many women it represents a level of humiliation that is unacceptable, especially if they’ve been coerced. Would you even be prepared to deal with her feelings around this if you enacted it, or would you just expect her to suck it up? It’s awesome that you want to explore, but I think it’s time you started learning a little less about sex from porn and a little more about sex from books that take a liberal yet realistic approach. (Check out www.cleispress.com for titles.)

Interestingly, legend has it that bukake originated in olden Japan as a punishment for errant wives but, with no historical evidence, this explanation sounds like a Western myth. It likely has more to do with Japanese laws that until recently forbid explicitly showing the pubic area, so they had to find other novel ways of showcasing its talents.
STAIN IN THE BUTT

Do you know how to lighten or whiten the poo stains around the anus? Besides makeup and a more permanent procedure.
A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE

I’ve often asked myself, “What can I do to make my anus look prettier and more like the anuses of my favourite porn stars?” A miniature garland of wild flowers placed delicately around the sphincter was one idea, but then I figured The Rolling Stones’ tongue trademark tattooed around it would be more in keeping with my rock ’n’ roll lifestyle. A friend on set watching a porn actress get made up confirms that the secret to their uniform ass colour is heavy makeup, which doesn’t help you.

I believe what you are referring to — unless you haven’t ever had a shower, in which case get to know the wonders of a washcloth and some water — are not poo stains. It is simply the pigmentation of the skin around your anus. I asked a plastic surgeon if he had any solutions. He said the area is always a different colour and you can have laser treatment to correct it (as you would a birthmark), but he doesn’t recommend this because a complication could cause permanent problems.