I am a 25-year-old woman and am unclear if I am orgasming when I have sex or masturbate. Sometimes, I ejaculate and feel a sense of release. Other times, when I do not ejaculate, I experience a great buildup until I feel satisfied and can’t take any more, but don’t feel a similar sense of release. I don’t know whether this is an orgasm or not. I enjoy both experiences, but I always feel better after ejaculating. Is this common? What am I experiencing? Are there any resources in Toronto that could help me make sense of it all? CONFUSED CLIT

I tend to agree with Jamye Waxman’s statement in her book Getting Off, when talking about her first orgasm: “Before that… I just assumed that I must have [come]. I was having partner sex after all. I figured that orgasms must not be as amazing as everyone made them out to be. How could they be if I wasn’t even feeling them, or knowing the difference? What I later discovered, after that first Big O, was that not knowing if I’d had one actually meant I never had.”

In my own experience, orgasm is unambiguous and, while I too, went through a period where I thought I might be coming and couldn’t really offer any firm answers to my sex partners, when I finally did, the proverbial light went on. Some women can ejaculate without coming, but you would know for certain if you’d actually had an orgasm.

While I can’t condone the hideous use of the word “clitty” in Waxman’s book (thank Christ there are only about two instances of it because it’s the one word for clitoris that makes me want to lop mine off) I will recommend it as a source for embracing and enhancing female orgasm, especially for the beginner. There are exhaustive resources in the final chapter, too.
For all you women who email me about female orgasm, Waxman will be in Toronto on Oct. 7, 7:30pm at Come As You Are (701 Queen W.)  doing a workshop called “Uncovering the O.” She will also be signing her book and reading at Type (883 Queen W.) on Oct. 5 at 2pm.
Or, perhaps you’ll be interested in the letter below.

BAD MEDICINE
I read your column weekly and, two weeks ago, there was an interesting letter from Laura about her not being able to orgasm. I am an MD but I am not registered to practise here in Canada. I have done some sex counselling and therapy before, and I have had two cases in my 22 years of practise where the women couldn’t orgasm and I was able to make them do so. There are many reasons for this but I have my MD from India and there are some methods that I learnt there. I am willing to help this individual but it has to be very confidential and private. She can use my email or she can call me at work [offers phone number].

It’s up to her but I don’t see why we cannot help her. It involves a lot of trust and counselling and reconditioning of her mind and will involve physical contact maybe. But don’t publish this reply. I just thought it was an interesting case. N.O.

Are you fucking kidding me? You write me this Benny Hill–hilarious letter and I’m not allowed to publish it? Sorry but I have to and also sorry if you’re a real doctor but come on, are you seriously working the mystical South Asian angle? I love the phrase “physical contact maybe.” Very professional, very reassuring!

I believe women can be helped to reach orgasm by example and intimate contact but that’s where workshops offered by people like Jamye Waxman and Betty Dodson come in. Even if you are truly qualified, two cases in 22 years isn’t exactly cause to forward along your resumé. Many of us blundering along with no experience do better than that by sheer accident.

ALL DRESSED UP WITH NO PLACE TO COME
My boyfriend is, let’s put it this way, completely vanilla. Plain boring sex, no variety. Not even a light smack on the ass once in a while. I, on the other hand, have fetishes (PVC, leather, etc. — the list goes on), and I love being submissive (bondage, spanking). He is so closed-minded about this all, but I love him to death, I really do. I tried exposing it to him slowly, like wearing leather, and even one of my waist-cinching PVC corsets — nothing too “freaky.” I asked him what he thought about it and he either says, “It’s alright,” or “Not really my thing.” I don’t know if I’m putting way too much emphasis on having to absolutely wear the things I want to wear. It’s only because I want him to see how/why it’s sexy. How do I get him to be my Master and not just my lover? PLEASE HELP

Discussing your sexual differences beforehand would have been a good idea but since you’ve gone and fallen in love and it seems clear that playing with other people is out of the question, let’s turn to Ari Gold, the charismatically vicious agent in the television series Entourage (and a man who frequently pervades my thoughts during self-pollutions) for some words of wisdom. In one episode, he is invited by a young actress to attend a party at her home. “Thank you,” he says impassively, “you know I’d love to show up but it’s actually anal-sex night at the Gold house. But thank you for the invite. I’m gonna go home and punish my wife.”

So, why can’t it be corsets and bootlicking night at the Please Help house? Would it kill him to lay a hairbrush across your ass once in a while? See, compromise is, unhappily at times, the essence of any partnership and if your boyfriend’s not going to give in, as you have to his vanilla ways, you’re going to get bored and nothing kills a relationship quite as virulently as boredom. This unyielding temperament of his will expose itself in other ways and you may find your affection quickly turning to contempt. Before this happens, perhaps you should both have a look at Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy.

Email Sasha at sasha@eyeweekly.com or send your questions to Sasha c/o EYE WEEKLY, 625 Church St, 6th fl, Toronto, M4Y 2G1.