My wife and I believe we have a very good and communicative relationship. Great enough that, several years ago, we both acknowledged that a spark that really awakened us both sexually was the taboo thought of being with other people.

Despite the interest, this terrified my wife. But, with enough prodding, she took the plunge. After two experiences (one was OK and one terrible in her words), she told me that the whole thing freaked her out and was hard to manage even though she understood my needs and her own curiosity to try. My agenda was clear all along: I wanted to experiment, too, but she felt the need to go first and I felt some sort of safe moral high ground by being “owed” one if she could close the deal.

The problem now is that I really don’t want to be levelling the playing field by racing off and experimenting myself. A lot of the magic for me is having her tacit approval, which is tough to get since she has serious issues around the thought of me being with someone else. We’ve discussed going to therapy to talk about this, mainly because when I see her insecurity rear its head, I get angry and impatient and start to question her trust.

I believe she honestly wants me to get this out of my system and move on but I’d rather have her realize that she can trust me to come back and understand that, while my mind wanders, I am really a very happy guy. Another possibility is the whole swinger thing, but that just seems odd to me and not as fun as the random nature that life presents us with daily. I also have lots of my own shame issues about even talking about this stuff (it took three months to get the balls to write this email) and would love to know of a way to make that more comfortable and normal.

One thing we’ve both concluded is that it is a lot easier for her to get laid than me, since men by their very nature have to hunt more and women don’t want to be told “I’m married, but you’re hot and I just want to have sex with you if you don’t mind. Have you got an hour?” Is this stuff normal? Do lots of couples go through this? How do you handle jealousy and insecurity in this type of
situation? PERHAPS STRANGELY CONFUSED MAN

Questions about negotiating non-monogamy, actually negotiating any commitment model, invariably bring up a few questions of my own: where did you learn to be in a relationship? Who taught you? Did you simply garner information by being an understudy to your parents’ relationship and, if so, what was it? I’m curious about this and would appreciate readers sharing.

I was never taught as a child — either deliberately or by example — how to be in a healthy, intimate relationship and I come from a background where therapy was for indulgent sops given to newfangled disciplinary fads so, really, writing a sex column has been the most positive asset to my experience in that I am in the position of seeing I’m not alone in my uncertainty and lack of skill. In fact, it is through offering advice to others that I realized I needed relationship therapy for myself. I want to be with my boyfriend for a long time (or at least for a good time) and I can see that I actually don’t know how to do that properly because I’m, well, kind of feral.

So, personally speaking, I would say that beginning to research poly-positive therapists is a good start to this new chapter. Believing you have a good, communicative relationship implies it’s something you value and your wife and you are at a very vulnerable point. She is waiting on tenterhooks for you to “just get it over with” (as though that’s not going to bring up a whole other set of issues) and you are waiting for her to understand that regardless of what happens (all the while consciously using words like “terrified” and “prodding” to describe your interactions) she’s the one for you. This garbled standstill didn’t come to be without a lot of help. Being non-monogamous can bring up all kinds of shit regardless of whether you feel safe with your partner or not. You’re going to want to sort that shit out before you bring a new set of margins to the relationship, not while you’re doing it.

I wouldn’t recommend random play just yet. Expecting your wife to accept chance trysts, regardless of their availability, is a forbidding initiation. You didn’t just haphazardly marry this woman, and inviting that mood into your special connection is dangerous and disrespectful. Swingers’ parties, as contrived as you imagine them to be, do offer a nice option, and they are not always as overformal as you might think.

Here’s looking at us
We’re a happy, sensual middle-aged couple. We enjoy sharing our sensuality with others: sometimes bi, sometimes hetero, sometimes anal, often oral, sometimes quads or trios. We’re looking for adult DVDs that resemble us (we’re not Venus or Adonis). We like tenderness, affection, respect and even humour with our sensuality. We’ve bought and garbage-­canned at least 20 DVDs because they’re the opposite of what we want. Any ideas as to what to buy? AJAAN

Three companies you may want to investigate are:
1. Comstock Films: Comstock works with real couples and has a talent for capturing both authentic intimacy and raw sex. It can be quite surprising to watch. Be prepared for an unexpected emotional reaction.

2. Easy on the Eye/Anna Span: Now, porn that resembles real people is all pretty relative and admittedly, Span does use performers (as does Comstock) who are traditionally ideal. However, she does have a great sense of humour and takes typical porn situations to a different place. Her work is known as “woman’s point of view,” a way of implying that female pleasure is not rushed.
3. Homegrown Video: As they say, “There’s no place like Homegrown.” Whatever you look like and whatever you

like, you’ll find your smiling and sweaty doppelganger here.

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