Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is a bitchy little bull this week, it would seem, more than willing to speak her mind on all kinds of subjects that really ought not to concern her. Luckily there are going to be some people with loose morals and a predilection for the sassy kicking around just waiting to take you home when their girlfriend goes up north to see her parents this weekend.

Famous Canadian Taureans born this week:
Michael Ignatieff (politician, May 12)
Mike Weir (golfer, May 12)
Farley Mowat (author, May 12, pictured)
Roch Carrier (author, May 13)
Tom Cochrane (musician, May 14) 

 Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Tricky times, Gemini. Do you feel like you’re looking over your shoulder? Like maybe someone’s out to take your iced latte out from under you, rain on your parade, steal your thunder? Yeah, that’s probably about right. En garde!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It’s not quite rainbows and daffodils for Cancer this week, but that’s all right. You’ll be spending the better part of the next several days cleaning up the personal debris and detritus of your last year’s relationship — in order to make room for a romantic something new, viable and which may or may not include free admission to Renaissance Faires throughout the summer.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
A new, storm-the-Bastille, take-no-prisoners attitude of relentless productivity has overcome Leo. Is it the Mars transit, or is it the Red Bull? Hard to say. But just remember not to mix too much Smirnoff Ice with either or there will be a lot of really difficult questions to answer later.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
You’ll find yourself frustrated by people exactly like yourself this week, Virgo. Which is unfortunate as you’re really quite good-natured, and those people don’t deserve that kind of bullshit from the likes of you.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Listening to everybody as if you’re egoless and non-judgmental gets tiring, even for Libra. Perhaps take this week to experiment with being a really opinionated ass for a while, and see if that makes it more fun to be you once you return back to normal.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Would it help to be more distant and secretive, Scorpio? Not to up your intrigue levels, exactly, but to ensure that you stop laying yourself out on the line (even making yourself available physically, as evolved and progressive as you may be, counts here, loverboy) in ways that you may not have the fortitude to deal with right now. Consider it, at least long enough to see if they call first.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your free-thinking nature makes it hard to accept that there are cracks in the business plan. But when it comes down to it, there’s just no way you’re going to make $70,000 a year in commissions by telling girls in Yorkville they’d make excellent haircut models.
 
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Revitalization comes from the strangest sources, Capricorn — a good swim, a great idea, hot online sex with an attractive avatar who may or may not be over 18 (or the gender you’ve been led to believe). With new wind in your sails this week, you’ll find your decision-making abilities honed and your detractors shrinking away in fear. Make sure to use this rare opportunity to actually make decisions.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
Your thoughts are drifting backwards in some sort of inverse proportion to the forward promise of spring, Aquarius. But unlike most times in life, you really can reach back into the past and get what you’re needing, make reparations and amends, find those missing pieces. Unless they were under those bridges you burned right before you moved here. In which case you’re fucked.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)
Jupiter retrograde is going to force the issue for you, Pisces. You can’t quite sit there innocently anymore hoping nothing’s ever going to catch up with you. In fact, it’s been caught up for some time. You should probably go to the doctor.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
What makes Aries so take-charge and capable is also what makes her so ignorant and oblivious: it’s not always all about making light of missteps in order to get to the next big success. Admittedly you do get to those successes faster than others, but it might be nicer to do it without spilling Jose Cuervo and hurt feelings everywhere.

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